The Matter of the Rain of Snakes

Heinz Noonan, the “Bearded Holmes” of the Sandersonville Police Department, was up to his eyebrows in alligators. They were real alligators but, fortunately for the Chief of Detectives, the alligators — small — were in an aquarium, and he, the Chief of Detectives, was speaking through the aquarium to the shop owner, one Jaqueline Zahira. Zahira had a problem which she would only discuss in person. …


The Matter of the Evanescing Habendum

Captain Noonan, the “Bearded Holmes” of the Sandersonville Police Department, was in the process of explaining the importance of a paper trail in the prosecution of a crime when Harriet, the office manager and common sense Il Duce, interrupted the tête-à-tête with Billy-Bob George “Handsome” Weasel, his second in command. Weasel was pleased with the interruption; Noonan not so much.

“Perhaps you can tell him,” Harriet said pointed to Weasel, “how 640 acres can disappear.”

“Disappear?” The question caught Noonan by surprise.

“Yeah,” Harriet said with an I-know-something-you-don’t-and-I’m-going-to-make-you-work-on-figuring-it-out look. “As in ‘poof,’ here and…


Heinz Noonan, the “Bearded Holmes” of the Sandersonville Police Department, was having a wonderful afternoon. The Sandersonville Commissioner of Homeland Security was hobnobbing with the money people out of Washington D. C. and his wife was ensconced in a weekend art retreat to capture in plein air of whatever was in plein air in Manteo. Or was it Nags Head? Virginia Beach? Wherever. But one thing was certain; there were not going to be any conversations on the electronic Beelzebub. …


The Matter of the Maple Syrup Deluge

Heinz Noonan, the “Bearded Holmes” of the Sandersonville Police Department, was savoring the frigid 55 degrees above zero that January day. He had just returned from a trip to Alaska visiting in-laws where it had been 55 degrees below zero.

At noon.

For the entire ten days he had been in Fairbanks.

Now he was sweltering in the 55 degree above zero weather in Sandersonville.

Life was certainly tough!

In Sandersonville on the Outer Banks of North Carolina.

Just as he was taking off his suit jacket because of the wet heat, Harriett, the office manager, came into his office…


Heinz Noonan, the “Bearded Holmes” of the Sandersonville Police Department, was not bad at presentations — when those presentations were for the young. Noonan knew he would not live forever and his twins, both in college now, had not given an iota of interest in being in law enforcement. Flouting of the law, particularly the drinking age, was their hallmark. But Noonan knew, from personal experience, this was probably a passing phase. At least he hoped it was.

Which made no difference this day because he was the local legend talking to the 6th and 7th grade students at the…


Heinz Noonan, the “Bearded Holmes” of the Sandersonville Police Department, was cursing carbohydrates in all their forms — and those were the forms he loved: pasta, bread, milk, beans, potatoes, cookies and beans — while he dined on his fiber-rich, low-carb, lunch of celery stalks and tuna fish from a retort pack. It was not a pleasant repast. As he was regretting years of not being particularly concerned about what he ate, the office administrator and common sense dictator, sidled up to him and asked, “What’s the difference between an old bus station and a lobster with breast implants?”

Noonan…


Heinz Noonan, the “Bearded Holmes” of the Sandersonville Police Department, was having a difficult time with his memory. It was not the result of his age because, that being said, he was ‘not old,’ and ‘senior moments’ were misnomers because everyone got them. Everyone has brain freezes as well. Brain freezes because of ice cream were common for people of all ages as were the momentary lapses of memory, also called a ‘brain freezes.’ But today Noonan could not blame the ice cream cone he had not had.

In Noonan’s case, it was not his fault. His wife had given…


The Matter of the Illegal Legal Simoleons

Captain Noonan, the “Bearded Holmes” of the Sandersonville Police Department, was working on an understandable definition of ‘conundrum.’ It was an odd word which actually described nothing. The official definition was “a confusing and difficult problem or question.” This, of course, was a bogus definition because “problems” and “questions” are “confusing” and/or “difficult;” otherwise they would not be “problems” or “questions.” There were other words that were far more expressive for the same definition. A “puzzle,” for instance, described the same condition but came with the added promise of a solution. A “juxtaposition”…


It had been a pleasant week for Heinz Noonan, the “Bearded Holmes” of the Sandersonville Police Department. Occasionally — and only occasionally — the Sandersonville Commissioner of Homeland Security, Edward Paul Lizzard III, sent him on an assignment of merit. In Noonan’s case, ‘assignment of merit’ meant an assignment which actually involved a crime. Heists were best and the more twisted the better. But, alas, most of the assignments were those of a political nature. ‘Political’ in this sense meaning Noonan chased down absurd, conspiratorial fantasies which turned out to be absurd, conspiratorial fantasies which the Commissioner metamorphosed into front…


When it came to the holy, Noonan always spelled it holey because, in his world, it was holes that mattered. Holy was left to another power. His, Noonan’s, was what would stand up in court. If there were holes in your argument, very bad people would continue to walk the streets. So, when it came to the holy — in Noonan’s world holey — the words sounded the same, were spelled differently and had totally different outcomes.

He was thinking of both holy and holey this day because the two coincided in a phone call he received from an unknown…

Steven C. Levi

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